So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
