the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
