I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
