My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
