I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
