He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
