isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
