Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
