Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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