he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
