just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
