I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
