Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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