shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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