theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
