So drunk its hurt
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
