Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
