theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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