i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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