You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
