I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
