So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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