For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
