I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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