drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
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