Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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