I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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