I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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