I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
