At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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