I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
