No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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