If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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