Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
