So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
