i barfeds in our rink
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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