Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
