drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And the cops told us we were all naked.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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