There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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