I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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