I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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