I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
