i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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