...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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