I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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