I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
