Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
