the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
