I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
