im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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