I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
