He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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